FOREVER YOUNG

Today is the day you could have been with us. But you went ahead too soon. At 23.

Just a while back, your sweet daughter Ashley, her mom and I went to your resting place. Your little girl did the sign of the cross. I was amused and torn as well for I know how much love you could show and give her.

I remember it has been four years. It's been a journey for the whole family and friends, and it will still be.

Well, the truth is I miss you big time!

I miss our talks, our banters.

I miss your voice, your laughters, your stories.

I miss  you teasing me when I'm low.

I miss your happy mood.

I miss your intense presence at home.

I miss your persistence and your industry.

I miss your humility.

Don't worry: I AM KEEPING MY PROMISE.

We love you my brother! Rock the pearly gates for us.

WHAT A...

I believe in universal truths. 

We met people before. We come across them today. We will stumble upon them tomorrow.


 WHAT A SMALL WORLD.

KISS AND TELL

I have never really come to understand the significance of having someone to tell a story about until the last two days.

I told a piece of me that had long been silenced. It was worth it. 

Now I know that feelings need to be talked about so that absolution could be achieved. A water remains dirty to one's thought unless one employs a process to it. 

 

FACING THE MUSIC

Drheigz, my baby nephew embarassed me for being such a sissy. His operation went fine. We couldn't be any happier.

I skipped my last class to see how he's doin'. And when I got to the pedia ward, he was there. His upper lip clearly sewn. My heart melted with a smorgasbord of emotions. I was afraid he'd smile at me and hurt himself doing so. But he did... I closed my eyes in a moment but groggily he genuinely continued pulling out that great smile of his. 

He's a real champ!

INCOMING

I'm anticipating the days. Two days more and my nephew is gonna be undergoing surgical procedure for his cleft lip.

I got butterflies playing in my stomach every time I think of him undergoing such operation. But I know he'll pull through. He's a miracle and will always be.

With prayers, I hope he'd be reacting positively to whatever procedure he still needs in the future.

UNEXPECTED

The previous blog entries may seem like a tirade of emotions long kept to be said. I was rereading them and they all spoke of feelings---muted, provoked, forgotten, awaken, forgiven, mocked, laughed at, severed, restored, moved...

I am just sick and tired of what had been. When nights seem too long and empty, they come like thieves and robbed me of sense and respect  and trust.

Unexpected. Totally.

Well, guess what, I cried stupid tears today.


All over again...All said and done...

SO WONDERFUL

BY DEVOTION

Whenever i wake up
the first thing i think of.. is you [oooh...ooooh]
i still cant imagine
that this really happened to me [no.. no...ya....]

i've never felt so alive [no i never..]
ever since you walked into my life [to my life]
somethings come over me
i love what you've done to me
i've fallen for you
and its all because...

you are so wonderful to me [so wonderful baby]
with the way that you..
with the way that you love me
yes you are so wonderful to me
i love the way [with the way..]
that you love me

your love is so precious
that i'll never let this..
ever go [ever go],
ever go [ever go] ever go baby
girl, i cant remember a time when i was ever
[a time when i was ever] so in love [ya..]

words can never explain [never explain]
no no no
all the joy that you give me each day
i never thought love would be
the only thing i would need
i really think you are the one
and its all because..

you are so wonderful to me [so wonderful]
with the way that you..
with the way that you love me baby
yes you are so wonderful to me
i love you more [with the way..]
that you love me

when i'm with my friends
even when i'm all alone
i think of you baby, i think of you
and when the radio
plays your favorite song
i think of you baby, i think of you

i've never felt so alive [no i never..]
ever since you walked into my life [to my life]
somethings come over me
now look what you've done to me
i've fallen for you
and its all because...

[repeat]
you are so wonderful to me [so wonderful]
with the way that you love me
cuz you are so wonderful to me [you're so amazing]-

  AI SHITE RU!

N6680 PROMISES

I hate promises for many reasons.

For one, they're false affirmations. (Like that lame 10,000 promises liners.)

They're short-lived. (You promise to love someone 'til forever yet when something happens, you leap for a jump start, collect a dozen and hold your chin up like you've moved on big time!)

They're too good to be true.

They're just words said in a spur of a moment. (I'll replace it.)

SILLY AND KID-LIKE

All of us were kids once. Hyperactive. Skittish. Naive. Unfazed by world's problems.

When we grow with years, we tend to shy away from being silly and kiddish. We start to grow with knowledge and experience. We begin to think that to act like kids once again is misplaced and inappropriate.

That holds water. At the same time, the idea is silly!

Why?

Because human as we are, our only way of going back to the playground full of glee and devoid of problems is to be kid-like.

SO FAST. SO BORING.

I have come to a realization that 2009 is almost over. Two months more and I'll say byebye again to a year full of unexpected events. (Uhm well, every year's like that --- a lot of turning points.)

However, we can't just readily let go after relishing on a year's mystery as it unfolds and ends. The paradox still haunts us back in positive ways and in a few negatives. But right now, it's going to be a speedy week to the finish line.

First semester had just ended a week ago. Studes were once again given an ample time to relax and refresh their dreary minds. On the other hand, the teachers had to toil still, making grades and doing other things deem necessary. Ugh!

Obviously, we are on this work marathon --- wrapping up grades and syllabi. It becomes stretchy boring. All the while I realize my only supportive friend is my phone's music player.

My eardrums gonna bleed soon I know. But I need to be cool.  I guess I will just hide in this pile of books when the frustration seems really hard to handle... Uhh-owh.

FACE-OFF

I met someone from afar.


We exchanged shallow hellos. 


I became reticent for a long while.


I slid into hibernation.


I saw an image in the mirror. Staring back at me. Coyly.


I teased back. No more hurt feelings. I laughed. 


This is good news!

SUNDAY MUSINGS

Today you're gonna have a getaway that would relieve work stress. Enjoy. There is so much to feel and to see and to expect.

Go the mile. Have a movie with someone. Love. Learn. Eat. Think. Hope. Dream.

You have what it takes to be better. Be done with the past. Enjoy the happiness of today. Nourish the hopes of tomorrow.

SQUARE ONE

I lost the editor settings a few months back so I stopped doodling on this keyboard for a while. Now I got the time in my hands to look into the reason why. I finally got it to work out.

Well, it's been a rough time for me the past weeks. It was eerie as well because I seemed to have tried to get back to where I was when the truth is I am better off right now. Enough with the deception and pretense.

The truth is I felt stupid and lowly. 

But I know there's a way out from all these. Perhaps I just miss some good old things and my way of piecing the memories is way overboard.  I should not have gotten too close to the past. I should have stepped ahead. I should have known what it's like to be closed doors at after a good discourse. 

I learned my share. 

STUPID

I feel stupid
Of not believing in you
Feels like incarcerated
Don’t know where to go.


How can I resist
Your blazing soul
It seems like a blaring distance
Heal my aching soul.


All I know is falling
All I have is going
Don’t know how to begin
Resist, hide, die in an instant.


Make me grow
I’m sick to the deepest
Couldn't cry no more
Frozen, stolen, dying…

BACK TO THE COLLEGE BOARD

School is back and so am I.

My week is once again preoccupied with school days.

Saturday is my only rest day.

I feel like my life is lived in the academe already.

WIND OF CHANGE

I find it amusing and absurd why some of us don't want people to change. For me, it's irony when you say STAY THE SAME.

The roads we take in life are winding and expecting to see a road that is obviously straight ahead is devoid of sense. Like this long winding surpriseful road, humans undergo alterations. This is universal truth. That is why it gets to my nerves when some crappers shoot the arrow on me and say, hey you've changed!

Come on! Cut the crap.

I embrace change and when I see people who unconsciously siege me queries grounded on changes in my life, it makes me queasy.

Changes taught me one good thing: I've become my own man. It's been quite a journey I know but the beautiful roads are still far ahead from me. At any rate, I still hold on to that wonderful offing waiting for me.

FOR ONE MORE DAY

I hit the lib some days ago when looking at the laptop seemed to be a boring cycle.

I scavenged for a few bestsellers and I spotted this book FOR ONE MORE DAY.

It was awesome. I read it in one seating. After I put it down, I think back about my mother and the times she stood up for us as well as the times we didn't stand up for her.

There were lines in the book I found really moving. I put them here to remind me of how this book brings parallels in everybody's lives clearer.

When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone. They can come back to you even at unlikely times.

Secrets. They'll tear you apart.

But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story because hers is where yours begins.

I met a man once who did a lot of mountain climbing. I asked him which was harder, ascending or descending? He said without a doubt descending because ascending you were so focused on reaching the top, you avoided mistakes. The backside of a mountain is a fight against human nature. You have to care as much about yourself on the way down as you did on the way up.

She wasnt easy on me, dont get me wrong. She smacked me. She scolded me. She punished me. But she loved. She really did. She loved me falling off a swing set. She loved me stepping on her floors with muddy shoes. She loved me through vomit and snot and bloody knees. She loved me coming and going, at my worst and my best. She had a bottomless well of love for me.

You can find something truly important in a minute.

Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back. What if you got it back?

I guess I was in nostalgia after I read Mitch Albom's work. I look back to the times I hurt my mom and pop and other loved ones and the care I didn't freely give.

A heart is indeed a garden. When you plant love and forgiveness, the positives overflow in your life including the lives of those you love...

I MISS BACK WHEN

I miss home.

The morning meals. The chats. The play. The family.

I miss back when.

Truly.

UP AND DOWN FOR MORE

I am still up.

I am wasted.

I am blown.

I want to chill but I guess I need to be restive.

I don't know. I am totally engulfed by this disease. =(

VOWS

The girl I hooked up with way back tied the knot after we severed paths.

A year ago, my cousin hitched the marriage ride as well.

College friends took the same route and now enjoyed the cheers of their kids.

It's been ages and I know my folks are never uptight on the possibility that I will soon join the bandwagon. My grandparents in the province were candid in saying that they're afraid they might not be here anymore when I get hitched by the one.

Knock on wood! I still want my grandfolks around when I croon Adam Sandler's "I wanna grow old with you" . I know given earthly limitations time is tissue. That is why I am a bit afraid as well that during my wedding, these people wouldn't be here anymore. Knock on wood again!

Vows newsbits have been around me. Famous oldies and young ones were scampering to get wedding rites as early as 3 AM. Haha.

Eerie thing is the more I hear about buddies getting married, the less I become excited in pursuing one. I get scared once in a while about commitments. At this age, I look at myself as half-done steak, still not eatable, still raw.

But I know deep inside the inner sanctum of my soul, someday, I'll get to that dream day when everything restarts and everybody looks forward to a new beginning for the two souls newly-turned into one.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

I know you'd think I am lost to the deepest side of the world. Hehe. I have been evasive with this blog.

My hands were tied. My mind was somewhat blocked.

It's time to doodle with this puter keyboard.

Where was I during the past few weeks?

I've been preoccupied with school graduation, hitting small celebs, partying at unfriendly places, working my hardest in school and now thinking what to put in this blog! Haha.

Well, same old stuff's making my day. I guess the past weeks taught me the value of appreciating that I did outgrow my dependent-on-other-say attitude. I now know how to live my life not annoyed by people who have nothing to do but look on other people's flaws. Gee, I am tired with these creepy peeps.

I expanded my circle of friends. I have like five new people that I knew in my circle and it's good because new faces mean new things. Hehe.

Well, time for me to go back to work and chat with the walk-ins...

BORED

I am bored.

I am weakened.

I am drained.

It's time to relax big time...

CLOSER

I was way too ambitious when I was a kid. I did want to be a medical doctor. I knew it was this miraculous healing going on inside my childish head that propelled me to want the dream badly.

Funny! I still remember how mom and pop nourished my E.R. fantasy! I knew that this weirdness came to my folks that they finally concluded my curiosity was way above my siblings'. They were amazed perhaps of my home-staying capability digging dirts and looking for earthworms! Haha. And that healing power I possessed when I medicated a dog-bitten chick which mom bought for me out of exhaustion for I cried my heart out for it!

Then deliberately dreams were shaped, remolded and defined. Things happened. Failures. Discouragements. Successes. Accomplishments.

Where did that childish dream go?

Off the top of my head! I guess there were things in life I had no control over that took some strength out of me and for that I discovered as well that resources couldn't afford me to expedite that dream. Or maybe I was too freaked out to see blood spurting from someone's body in a hospital bed!

I did try though. I took a semester of pre-med and thought the world was just not mine to conquer. I didn't know I haD to consider a lot of things before jumping into the real deal. I fell flat on my face but I didn't falter to go ahead and look for my world.

After a series of jobs, I fell into teaching. And I am proud to say it's been three years...and counting! =)

I WONDER

...why people madly in love get to spend lives away from each other?

...great good things seem forgettable.

...humans become spiritual during low points in life.

...honesty is such a lonely word.

...when you stand for something you believe is right, you'd fall bad.

AWAY FROM THE CITY

I know this is long overdue. I've been away from my puter in ages and it's a pity!

Well, read me. I have lost some interest in city life after this mountain trek I had with my buds. I knew outdoor activities weren't my cup of tea. Mountain climbing for one is a definite struggle. Haha.

However my bud kept on bugging me around to go with his gang since this I surely deserved according to him. A breather. A home away from city life.

I did a text chain to my friends to have more company and unfortunately most of them declined. They were hesitant and scared of the place. It was rumored that the mountain we're gonna head to is home of the NPAs. I wasn't fazed one bit. I knew there'd be alternatives if the place isn't likely for a trek.

I was really excited to see Mt. Tamayong. When we got to the middle point of our destination, an advisory came up though. Surprise of all surprises! The place should be vacated. It's in critical situation. Talk about war.=(

We decided to detour. We settled to go to Epol. This place wasn't new to me at all. I've camped on it year 2003. Six years ago! Haha. I was like 19 that time.I was still pumped up. I wanna see how the place has changed in 6 yrs.

When we got there, it was still the same. The falls --- so pristine and refreshing! We set tents and dozed off. The next morning we went to one of the falls and boy, it was just as awesome! I couldn't get enough of the cool water. It was God's masterpiece...

We had some huddling as night unfolded. Manong Berto, the native tenant joined us. It was really nice to set foot on it again. I loved it. There were inevitable changes. The huts we stayed on when I was a teenager yet disappeared. Only one remained. Among other things, the place is pretty much the same...

Fast forward.

I wanna go back to this place six years after and see for myself again God's never-changing greatness!

WORKIN' LIKE A DOG

I haven't noticed I've been working like a dog until recently. It's hard juggling studies and work at the same time. It becomes draining! You work, you study, you study and then you work again...It's a boring cycle!

However, when I look around, I found out that I am better off that way! Whining becomes irrelevant and misplaced.

When I see people my age looking for jobs to no avail, I look at myself and see how fortunate I am to have been working and studying. My time will come. Though I've been scrimping on my early 20's, I did survive. I know I'd have to add more patience and persistence should I want myself successful someday.

DITCHIN' ME

I wept when my folks left me in the classroom during first grade!

It was a cry of fright and freedom combined. I knew that it was just a mini-cry because a few minutes passed , the sobs just flew away like a homing pigeon and my desolation was instantly replaced by thrill and exuberance.

I was thrilled because there were 40 of us in the room and I was on the eight section! I guess there were 10-12 sections then. I didn't know I was in the bottom class. All I knew was that school was fun and an extension of playtime and the teacher was cool because she's a friend of my mom's.

LEAVING.

Leaving is such a big ordeal for some of us. Way back when we were kids, it's acceptable to put up tantrums and yell at someone. But when we get ahead with years, we should accept it as part of life. No more angst. No more bitterness.

The only thing we can do is bask on some great memories.

These memories serve as stamps and remnants of ourselves with loved ones and friends.

ADVISORY

Edgar Allan Poe, the drunkard poet, was a god.

Beer.
Vodka.
Rhum.
Whiskey.
Jungle wine.



BITS:

I had my first sip of beer when I was 15. I know you'd say it's late. But it was just a sip! No lip-lock there. Haha.

At 16, I had a few. My senior high classmates were such a tease to notice me not drinking. And so I joined their pack. I had few drinking sessions, like thrice, the last biggie was when I graduated leading them.

When I went into college, the real deal began. The drinking sessions were like party-animal thingy. Call me a beer-loader. I won't get irate one bit. Hehe.

Anyway, 20'sh came like fall. I wandered for some years. I was directionless, pathetic, angered, confused, bickered.

And deliberately, the unquenchable thirst dissipated. It was high time. I wouldn't let this good thing slip off. Occasional drinking works but I guess I'm getting to a point where drinking feels like same-old-same. Nothing new to look forward to. Just same old blabber, same bs, same waste of time.

UPDATE:

I kissed Ale goodbye!

THAT SMELL

I guess we all have this moment.

You are in one place and all of a sudden a smell churns your mind in a crazy spin!

Your brain cells are calculating when and where have you encountered that familiar smell.

Suddenly, you come to the details. Something from the past. An event. A place. A person.

Sometimes I think it would be cooler if we could smell some from the future!

R & R

If you were following my quest for that elusive sleep, well I got lucky yesterday!

After some busy times in school, I went home so jaded. So I hit the sofa and got some zzzzs.

It was a deep slumber! I remember I was just sitting in the living room with my niece and all of a sudden I fell asleep.

I knew it was well-deserved. I woke up with a pretty hectic day. It was 8:10 AM. My phone was strafed with messages the night before. 20 messages!

My buddies were on a keg party and I missed it. Thankfully. Hehe. And a message from our officer's assistant. It said I need to be an early bird. 7:30. I could only manage an uh-oh..

The CHED people will be kicking our asses again or will it be us kicking theirs? Hehe. I knew it'd be another meticulously tiresome boring day. And so I went through that 3-minute quickie shower, packed my stuffs and sped up through school. Boardroom, the admin said.

It was a cardio exercise. That 3rd floor run was good! Badly good! I arrived and chilled out for a bit with my colleagues. The CHED guys showed up 30 minutes later. All were in. The college prexy did some intro, they did the same. We were there waiting for them to kill us with their suggestion list. Documents were looked into. Facilities were inspected. Tiniest details were made bigger.

It was past 12 when the discussion ended. I was hankering for a biggie lunch! On diet no more! I devoured more than my tummy could hold. Haha. I wasn't really used to eating past my sched time and unfortunately this day was one of those moments.

I know you'd think I'm a whiner, but shouldn't I deserve some R&R?

Answer is a big NO, I shouldn't!

No relaxing for now, man.

To get lax is to sin.