RantsAndDreams

MOONSHINE

2011-08-20T15:36:00.003+08:00

Last night I had a hard time getting my eyes to close. There were things my mind was busy thinking about and all my body could do was to give in.

FYI. My pop's dad passed away and it made me feel eerie since my bad dreams prior had proven omen-like. I always think that dreams are just dusts in the wind and they are just feeble imaginations but it struck me because prior to the demise of my brother five years ago, I had this harrowing dream of my pop as well. I must have some prophetic ability or something.

I am going to see my grandpop in a few days. It is sad, in fact, painful not to see him talk about yesteryears and hear him tell stories of himself since I am going to see him cold and peaceful. For the most part, there is lightness amidst this death for he will gladly join his better half who went ahead of him years ago and also see my zest-filled brother.

My thought about vacation was all chill and gold. I was wrong.

ILLUSION

2011-05-05T22:52:00.004+08:00

50 THINGS IN 50 DAYS

2010-09-13T02:01:00.006+08:00

1. Gaisano Grand surprise
2. A pat in the back
3. Smiles from the heart
4. Stories of you
5. Silent replies
6. Chow in the pier
7. Binge drinking with your buddy
8. Rains in Philly
9. Long-overdue hugs
10. Intimate longing
11. Cuddle in the morn
12. An encouragement
13. Eager ears
14. Lost phone
15. Job interviews
16. Davao itineraries
17. Meeting my family
18. Jealous me
19. My visit in your place
20. Toblerones and Happy 5th
21. Your b-day celeb
22. The cake
23. The fight. Haha!
24. Sorry hearts
25. The make-up
26. The shirt: You looked better online.
27. Employment visa
28. Manila trip
29. 6 days
30. The plans
31. Dreams of us
32. The waiting
33. God's never-ending surprise
34. Advices from madam
35. Calls from mom and sis
36. Chillin' with pop
37. Watchin' TV in the couch
38. Departure at the airport
39. Arrival at the airport
40. Jollibee chow with my little angels
41. Laughters
42. Our jokes
43. Worry of missing
44. Visit with you to bro's resting place
45. Silent smiles
46. Your first chow with my whole gang
47. Talks of you and me before goin'
48. The I in our fave line
49. LOVE
50. You.

LOST IN THE CITY

2010-09-02T10:41:00.004+08:00

Trust me. When I say I still get shivers going to places I know nothing about, I mean the truth. Funny thing is I don't have any choice but to go through the whole process of embarking on a Manila journey.

This is no piece of cake for someone not good in remembering streets. Testing my geographical ability seems out of place but I got no other road this time but to give in and let the limbo of discovery take place.

I've been harnessing my asking prowess every now and then. When I deplaned, I knew the key was to ask and ask and piss people off. lol.

The city is drenched cold today. Lucky me for if it were mister sunny day, I could see myself panting like a pitbull in dire need of a cold bucket of stallion.

Well, I guess I still need to chow and be proud that I get lost while I get to eat somewhere in this nameless street.=)

NO WHITE FLAG

2010-06-07T20:26:00.002+08:00

I saw you seated in a corner.
My eyes had darted where they should be.
You must have waited for me earnestly.

I had this inkling before but I waved it.
This shall pass.
Yes, I tried a talk but a one-liner came out.
First time.

We both had our own stories.
They were untold.
Yet over booze, these stories were let loose
And splashed across the night.

I thought a walk around would do the trick
And it did! We walked the first time.
Together. Guided. Destined.

There were questions and reasons.
They hid and nudged us both.
A month and some days?

Gripped by uncertainty, you retreated
I worked back to the belief
That this feeling would push the limit.

Finally, it paid.
I won my chance.
And this hit right.
Right in your soul.

RANTS FROM HOME

2010-06-06T15:52:00.006+08:00

Lately, I have been dreaming images from home - people, places, memories. The world seemed to have halted on that usual futuristic nuance of dreams.

These dreams weren't scary but they appeared to me a bit eccentric - dreaming of my late bro, the house when we were kids and the family intact, the school I worked for, the high school I went to, people I hang out with, even acquaintances I met a decade ago.

I couln't make out what have become of me this time. Haha. Perhaps due to the boredom I go though everyday staring at the computer playing fiddle with numbers, I get to be on the backward of everything.

Well, I know this is just a phase.

It is a big grueling struggle for someone accustomed to talking in front of a bunch of students. Here I go again,playing "barking at the wrong tree."

Anyhow, I try my earnest to keep my sanity intact thinking that this is part and parcel of any choice we make in life.

WANDERING

2010-06-01T00:55:00.004+08:00

I set foot at the Dubai Tarmac on the 13th. I wasn't happy nor sad. The feeling seemed to have bordered on confusion and surprise. Did I say surprise? Yea, for the most part.

I was amazed by things in here that I didn't get to experience back at home. Definitely, the weather isn't likely for someone who wants to chill in the cold all year round. In fact, when I passed through the airport gate to hail a cab, the heat seemed to have pinpricked my hardened pores. It was 8PM and yet the humid air brushed me to the bone.

I finally had a taste of Dubai and yet I can say it's still just a tip of the iceberg. I haven't even stayed here for a month yet, however I have walked big steps in malls, stores, Pinoy restos and bars, and have eaten Indian foods. Ridiculous!

Apart from this drift, my mind would always find its way home, and I don't have a choice but to sit on it, and let the wandering abate for a time.

Fortunately, getting a job wasn't that hard for me. Truly, I had luck on my lap when the flight was rescheduled. The entrance was piece of cake but there's always an other side of the coin. Staying on the job you easily get bored with gives you that kick on the knee.

Well, to complain is a sin. And this should I acknowledge: Things fell through lucky pits. For that, I am more than thankful.

This wandering has just begun. In going through this, I will not forget the push of the people back from home.

Truly, the support did come a long way. I flew above the clouds and saw through them what a view from the top looks like.

Now, this is wandering.=)

RED CAR

2010-05-10T19:59:00.004+08:00

If I had a car, I would surely be out venting this cistern of mixed emotions.

And I would imagine driving a red car for so it captures the heavy grip I am into this moment.

What does it really mean to venture? To go far away from a place your life is bounded for years? How does life get better? Where do you rest your heart when at this time you feel that the better place to lay it is this very place you have a hard time leaving?

I am just wheeled knocked-out hearing that my flight is rescheduled to be earlier. I thought the possibility of it being re-booked is nil but the opposite won its chance.
It had to be this way I guess and faith of all faith, I am bound to act the dream of my once idealistic self.

Days are not that long anymore and hours in this place have been re-bottled in a smaller hour glass. I seem to lose track of what to do.

I badly need a joyride and it's a pity I don't own even a clunker. Hehe.

But I guess I should just stick to my imagination. Better this way - alone with the red car in a quiet windy night thinking of people who have pushed, motivated and brought out the good parts in me...

CHASING TIME

2010-04-03T11:39:00.004+08:00

I was good in track and field. I thought so until I stumbled on a pit eyeing for the first place during grade school.It was traumatic and hilarious at the same time. I was close to the idea of being the best in running but unfortunately one disgusting hole in the oval ruined that aspiration. Haha.

Well, what interested me in running was not mainly because of laurel and the adulation that goes with it. I was more interested into beating records and chasing time which I hoped could be suspended and frozen. But time ticks. Big ben aims for the next minute, the next hour and the next day.

People around me would always talk about how time flies so fast. And I would be the last guy to say come on now, don't be such an emo. Hehe. I wasn't really reflective on this note until I realize that I only have a few weeks to spend on this place.

Well, guess what, the childhood memory of beating records came back from hiding! The records that I'm talking about don't tackle on honors. They seem to speak for the most part of how well and how profound this short time should be spent on with them.

'Tell you what, I am never good in chasing time but I guess time itself is teaching me a lesson on making the most of time with people and places that have been so familiar on my circle.

And it's weird as well to know that you'd come to meet a special person on your few pre-departure weeks. Chasing time becomes a scary, roller-coaster ride and you aren't sure whether you are on the highest high or the lowest low.

However, human as we are and since we are endowed with faith, we let our guards down and allow our feelings to flow from seclusion hoping that this would bring us happiness,love and contentment.

Truly, I am chasing time. And I guess we all are...

I AM MY POSTMAN

2010-03-01T14:00:00.001+08:00

The day has come. The day I, for a bit, dreaded.

This is a turning point for me and to hand this letter to my superior signifying my non-committal to another semester and the rest is a thing I haven’t had a good rehearsal on. Even until now.

Well, this is no playing dumb on stage anymore.

REWIND.

I guess to sum it up I have thrived pretty well in this college. I have done things palpably incredible according to my standards. And I mean mine because the truth is I don’t dwell much on other’s say. It feels weird for me if someone would tackle scrupulously on other’s way when the truth is we are all different in matters of opinion, standards, likes, which is why what makes this world so complex albeit efforts to simplify things.

Well, simply put, just this quip of thank you from students makes my day. I mean really a thank you could go a long way, which is why for the most part, I encourage several of these young minds to nurture their appreciative quality: Thank someone often and let encouragement be a byword.

Let’s play emo here for a bit. Hehe. I believe I will be nostalgic in the coming months because I will be leaving a place, which undeniably gave me roots and perfected my once-busted wings. Though bittersweet, the urgency to find my niche at this point is emblematic of my visions for my family and myself.

If truth be told: I feel high-strung right now. This jittery is not massively because the superiors are going to grind me with questions why the decision. It’s mainly because of colleagues who surely will be stunned whom for three years and a few months have been quite a company, work and party alike.

But as many clichéd, change is the only permanent thing in the world. People come and go just as the sun rises and sets for another wonderful day.

Hmmm. I better get myself going and have this paper received by the honcho before I rant on this post all day long.

BLANK

2010-02-24T20:15:00.001+08:00

Let me tell you something. With this space of non-writing, I finally realized that my mind had lost its luster.

Each time I get a chance to pour something on this wall, I seem to get a blank slate from my once-hyper brain cells. And....

See. I couldn't even continue.

BREEZE

2010-01-16T12:12:00.001+08:00

When someone easy to talk with in the workplace leave you for good, you seem to be shaken by some force of reality. Moments are indeed to be lived. The present becomes this past. And the future will surely become this present.

I have sort of retreated to trusting people. It's hard when you relied on someone for support and understanding, and all of a sudden something bad happened, and boom, you are left to be blackmailed. It's like you are being stomped on by an elephant.

But this person I knew for quite a short time offered me a comfort zone - to laugh and to be me. Something comforting and gladdening happens every time banters are exchanged between us. A serious talk - academic, political, religious becomes light and understandable.

I don't think it would be easy for me to get used to having to sit alone again and not to see this person enter the room for a while or perhaps for good. Yet I know when a calm breeze touches my temple, it's like her telling me to go slow, enjoy the present for tomorrow might not be ours...

COUNTING DAYS

2010-01-04T14:06:00.000+08:00

One
Two
Three
Four

Hours
Days
Months
Years

Counting
Still counting
1, 2, 3, 4.

FOREVER YOUNG

2009-12-08T23:55:00.004+08:00

Today is the day you could have been with us. But you went ahead too soon. At 23.

Just a while back, your sweet daughter Ashley, her mom and I went to your resting place. Your little girl did the sign of the cross. I was amused and torn as well for I know how much love you could show and give her.

I remember it has been four years. It's been a journey for the whole family and friends, and it will still be.

Well, the truth is I miss you big time!

I miss our talks, our banters.

I miss your voice, your laughters, your stories.

I miss you teasing me when I'm low.

I miss your happy mood.

I miss your intense presence at home.

I miss your persistence and your industry.

I miss your humility.

Don't worry: I AM KEEPING MY PROMISE.

We love you my brother! Rock the pearly gates for us.

WHAT A...

2009-12-04T19:56:00.003+08:00

I believe in universal truths.

We met people before. We come across them today. We will stumble upon them tomorrow.

WHAT A SMALL WORLD.

KISS AND TELL

2009-11-30T22:18:00.000+08:00

I have never really come to understand the significance of having someone to tell a story about until the last two days.

I told a piece of me that had long been silenced. It was worth it.

Now I know that feelings need to be talked about so that absolution could be achieved. A water remains dirty to one's thought unless one employs a process to it.

FACING THE MUSIC

2009-11-17T22:52:00.001+08:00

Drheigz, my baby nephew embarassed me for being such a sissy. His operation went fine. We couldn't be any happier.

I skipped my last class to see how he's doin'. And when I got to the pedia ward, he was there. His upper lip clearly sewn. My heart melted with a smorgasbord of emotions. I was afraid he'd smile at me and hurt himself doing so. But he did... I closed my eyes in a moment but groggily he genuinely continued pulling out that great smile of his.

He's a real champ!

INCOMING

2009-11-06T23:05:00.001+08:00

I'm anticipating the days. Two days more and my nephew is gonna be undergoing surgical procedure for his cleft lip.

I got butterflies playing in my stomach every time I think of him undergoing such operation. But I know he'll pull through. He's a miracle and will always be.

With prayers, I hope he'd be reacting positively to whatever procedure he still needs in the future.

UNEXPECTED

2009-11-05T13:15:00.004+08:00

The previous blog entries may seem like a tirade of emotions long kept to be said. I was rereading them and they all spoke of feelings---muted, provoked, forgotten, awaken, forgiven, mocked, laughed at, severed, restored, moved...

I am just sick and tired of what had been. When nights seem too long and empty, they come like thieves and robbed me of sense and respect and trust.

Unexpected. Totally.

Well, guess what, I cried stupid tears today.

All over again...All said and done...

SO WONDERFUL

2009-11-04T18:27:00.001+08:00

BY DEVOTION

Whenever i wake up
the first thing i think of.. is you [oooh...ooooh]
i still cant imagine
that this really happened to me [no.. no...ya....]

i've never felt so alive [no i never..]
ever since you walked into my life [to my life]
somethings come over me
i love what you've done to me
i've fallen for you
and its all because...

you are so wonderful to me [so wonderful baby]
with the way that you..
with the way that you love me
yes you are so wonderful to me
i love the way [with the way..]
that you love me

your love is so precious
that i'll never let this..
ever go [ever go],
ever go [ever go] ever go baby
girl, i cant remember a time when i was ever
[a time when i was ever] so in love [ya..]

words can never explain [never explain]
no no no
all the joy that you give me each day
i never thought love would be
the only thing i would need
i really think you are the one
and its all because..

you are so wonderful to me [so wonderful]
with the way that you..
with the way that you love me baby
yes you are so wonderful to me
i love you more [with the way..]
that you love me

when i'm with my friends
even when i'm all alone
i think of you baby, i think of you
and when the radio
plays your favorite song
i think of you baby, i think of you

i've never felt so alive [no i never..]
ever since you walked into my life [to my life]
somethings come over me
now look what you've done to me
i've fallen for you
and its all because...

[repeat]
you are so wonderful to me [so wonderful]
with the way that you love me
cuz you are so wonderful to me [you're so amazing]-

AI SHITE RU!

N6680 PROMISES

2009-11-04T01:07:00.001+08:00

I hate promises for many reasons.

For one, they're false affirmations. (Like that lame 10,000 promises liners.)

They're short-lived. (You promise to love someone 'til forever yet when something happens, you leap for a jump start, collect a dozen and hold your chin up like you've moved on big time!)

They're too good to be true.

They're just words said in a spur of a moment. (I'll replace it.)

SILLY AND KID-LIKE

2009-10-29T23:07:00.000+08:00

All of us were kids once. Hyperactive. Skittish. Naive. Unfazed by world's problems.

When we grow with years, we tend to shy away from being silly and kiddish. We start to grow with knowledge and experience. We begin to think that to act like kids once again is misplaced and inappropriate.

That holds water. At the same time, the idea is silly!

Why?

Because human as we are, our only way of going back to the playground full of glee and devoid of problems is to be kid-like.

SO FAST. SO BORING.

2009-10-28T11:24:00.002+08:00

I have come to a realization that 2009 is almost over. Two months more and I'll say byebye again to a year full of unexpected events. (Uhm well, every year's like that --- a lot of turning points.)

However, we can't just readily let go after relishing on a year's mystery as it unfolds and ends. The paradox still haunts us back in positive ways and in a few negatives. But right now, it's going to be a speedy week to the finish line.

First semester had just ended a week ago. Studes were once again given an ample time to relax and refresh their dreary minds. On the other hand, the teachers had to toil still, making grades and doing other things deem necessary. Ugh!

Obviously, we are on this work marathon --- wrapping up grades and syllabi. It becomes stretchy boring. All the while I realize my only supportive friend is my phone's music player.

My eardrums gonna bleed soon I know. But I need to be cool. I guess I will just hide in this pile of books when the frustration seems really hard to handle... Uhh-owh.

FACE-OFF

2009-10-26T09:18:00.001+08:00

I met someone from afar.

We exchanged shallow hellos.

I became reticent for a long while.

I slid into hibernation.

I saw an image in the mirror. Staring back at me. Coyly.

I teased back. No more hurt feelings. I laughed.

This is good news!

SUNDAY MUSINGS

2009-10-25T15:26:00.000+08:00

Today you're gonna have a getaway that would relieve work stress. Enjoy. There is so much to feel and to see and to expect.

Go the mile. Have a movie with someone. Love. Learn. Eat. Think. Hope. Dream.

You have what it takes to be better. Be done with the past. Enjoy the happiness of today. Nourish the hopes of tomorrow.

SQUARE ONE

2009-10-23T10:34:00.005+08:00

I lost the editor settings a few months back so I stopped doodling on this keyboard for a while. Now I got the time in my hands to look into the reason why. I finally got it to work out.

Well, it's been a rough time for me the past weeks. It was eerie as well because I seemed to have tried to get back to where I was when the truth is I am better off right now. Enough with the deception and pretense.

The truth is I felt stupid and lowly.

But I know there's a way out from all these. Perhaps I just miss some good old things and my way of piecing the memories is way overboard. I should not have gotten too close to the past. I should have stepped ahead. I should have known what it's like to be closed doors at after a good discourse.

I learned my share.

STUPID

2009-08-02T14:01:00.002+08:00

I feel stupid
Of not believing in you
Feels like incarcerated
Don’t know where to go.

How can I resist
Your blazing soul
It seems like a blaring distance
Heal my aching soul.

All I know is falling
All I have is going
Don’t know how to begin
Resist, hide, die in an instant.

Make me grow
I’m sick to the deepest
Couldn't cry no more
Frozen, stolen, dying…

BACK TO THE COLLEGE BOARD

2009-06-21T13:47:00.004+08:00

School is back and so am I.

My week is once again preoccupied with school days.

Saturday is my only rest day.

I feel like my life is lived in the academe already.

WIND OF CHANGE

2009-06-10T12:35:00.002+08:00

I find it amusing and absurd why some of us don't want people to change. For me, it's irony when you say STAY THE SAME.

The roads we take in life are winding and expecting to see a road that is obviously straight ahead is devoid of sense. Like this long winding surpriseful road, humans undergo alterations. This is universal truth. That is why it gets to my nerves when some crappers shoot the arrow on me and say, hey you've changed!

Come on! Cut the crap.

I embrace change and when I see people who unconsciously siege me queries grounded on changes in my life, it makes me queasy.

Changes taught me one good thing: I've become my own man. It's been quite a journey I know but the beautiful roads are still far ahead from me. At any rate, I still hold on to that wonderful offing waiting for me.

FOR ONE MORE DAY

2009-05-29T23:46:00.007+08:00

I hit the lib some days ago when looking at the laptop seemed to be a boring cycle.

I scavenged for a few bestsellers and I spotted this book FOR ONE MORE DAY.

It was awesome. I read it in one seating. After I put it down, I think back about my mother and the times she stood up for us as well as the times we didn't stand up for her.

There were lines in the book I found really moving. I put them here to remind me of how this book brings parallels in everybody's lives clearer.

When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone. They can come back to you even at unlikely times.

Secrets. They'll tear you apart.

But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story because hers is where yours begins.

I met a man once who did a lot of mountain climbing. I asked him which was harder, ascending or descending? He said without a doubt descending because ascending you were so focused on reaching the top, you avoided mistakes. The backside of a mountain is a fight against human nature. You have to care as much about yourself on the way down as you did on the way up.

She wasnt easy on me, dont get me wrong. She smacked me. She scolded me. She punished me. But she loved. She really did. She loved me falling off a swing set. She loved me stepping on her floors with muddy shoes. She loved me through vomit and snot and bloody knees. She loved me coming and going, at my worst and my best. She had a bottomless well of love for me.

You can find something truly important in a minute.

Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back. What if you got it back?

I guess I was in nostalgia after I read Mitch Albom's work. I look back to the times I hurt my mom and pop and other loved ones and the care I didn't freely give.

A heart is indeed a garden. When you plant love and forgiveness, the positives overflow in your life including the lives of those you love...

I MISS BACK WHEN

2009-05-24T02:40:00.005+08:00

I miss home.

The morning meals. The chats. The play. The family.

I miss back when.

Truly.

UP AND DOWN FOR MORE

2009-05-21T01:45:00.004+08:00

I am still up.

I am wasted.

I am blown.

I want to chill but I guess I need to be restive.

I don't know. I am totally engulfed by this disease. =(

VOWS

2009-05-18T13:03:00.008+08:00

The girl I hooked up with way back tied the knot after we severed paths.

A year ago, my cousin hitched the marriage ride as well.

College friends took the same route and now enjoyed the cheers of their kids.

It's been ages and I know my folks are never uptight on the possibility that I will soon join the bandwagon. My grandparents in the province were candid in saying that they're afraid they might not be here anymore when I get hitched by the one.

Knock on wood! I still want my grandfolks around when I croon Adam Sandler's "I wanna grow old with you" . I know given earthly limitations time is tissue. That is why I am a bit afraid as well that during my wedding, these people wouldn't be here anymore. Knock on wood again!

Vows newsbits have been around me. Famous oldies and young ones were scampering to get wedding rites as early as 3 AM. Haha.

Eerie thing is the more I hear about buddies getting married, the less I become excited in pursuing one. I get scared once in a while about commitments. At this age, I look at myself as half-done steak, still not eatable, still raw.

But I know deep inside the inner sanctum of my soul, someday, I'll get to that dream day when everything restarts and everybody looks forward to a new beginning for the two souls newly-turned into one.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

2009-05-15T10:37:00.005+08:00

I know you'd think I am lost to the deepest side of the world. Hehe. I have been evasive with this blog.

My hands were tied. My mind was somewhat blocked.

It's time to doodle with this puter keyboard.

Where was I during the past few weeks?

I've been preoccupied with school graduation, hitting small celebs, partying at unfriendly places, working my hardest in school and now thinking what to put in this blog! Haha.

Well, same old stuff's making my day. I guess the past weeks taught me the value of appreciating that I did outgrow my dependent-on-other-say attitude. I now know how to live my life not annoyed by people who have nothing to do but look on other people's flaws. Gee, I am tired with these creepy peeps.

I expanded my circle of friends. I have like five new people that I knew in my circle and it's good because new faces mean new things. Hehe.

Well, time for me to go back to work and chat with the walk-ins...

BORED

2009-05-08T13:53:00.002+08:00

I am bored.

I am weakened.

I am drained.

It's time to relax big time...

CLOSER

2009-04-22T11:26:00.006+08:00

I was way too ambitious when I was a kid. I did want to be a medical doctor. I knew it was this miraculous healing going on inside my childish head that propelled me to want the dream badly.

Funny! I still remember how mom and pop nourished my E.R. fantasy! I knew that this weirdness came to my folks that they finally concluded my curiosity was way above my siblings'. They were amazed perhaps of my home-staying capability digging dirts and looking for earthworms! Haha. And that healing power I possessed when I medicated a dog-bitten chick which mom bought for me out of exhaustion for I cried my heart out for it!

Then deliberately dreams were shaped, remolded and defined. Things happened. Failures. Discouragements. Successes. Accomplishments.

Where did that childish dream go?

Off the top of my head! I guess there were things in life I had no control over that took some strength out of me and for that I discovered as well that resources couldn't afford me to expedite that dream. Or maybe I was too freaked out to see blood spurting from someone's body in a hospital bed!

I did try though. I took a semester of pre-med and thought the world was just not mine to conquer. I didn't know I haD to consider a lot of things before jumping into the real deal. I fell flat on my face but I didn't falter to go ahead and look for my world.

After a series of jobs, I fell into teaching. And I am proud to say it's been three years...and counting! =)

I WONDER

2009-04-17T14:32:00.003+08:00

...why people madly in love get to spend lives away from each other?

...great good things seem forgettable.

...humans become spiritual during low points in life.

...honesty is such a lonely word.

...when you stand for something you believe is right, you'd fall bad.

AWAY FROM THE CITY

2009-04-13T15:22:00.004+08:00

I know this is long overdue. I've been away from my puter in ages and it's a pity!

Well, read me. I have lost some interest in city life after this mountain trek I had with my buds. I knew outdoor activities weren't my cup of tea. Mountain climbing for one is a definite struggle. Haha.

However my bud kept on bugging me around to go with his gang since this I surely deserved according to him. A breather. A home away from city life.

I did a text chain to my friends to have more company and unfortunately most of them declined. They were hesitant and scared of the place. It was rumored that the mountain we're gonna head to is home of the NPAs. I wasn't fazed one bit. I knew there'd be alternatives if the place isn't likely for a trek.

I was really excited to see Mt. Tamayong. When we got to the middle point of our destination, an advisory came up though. Surprise of all surprises! The place should be vacated. It's in critical situation. Talk about war.=(

We decided to detour. We settled to go to Epol. This place wasn't new to me at all. I've camped on it year 2003. Six years ago! Haha. I was like 19 that time.I was still pumped up. I wanna see how the place has changed in 6 yrs.

When we got there, it was still the same. The falls --- so pristine and refreshing! We set tents and dozed off. The next morning we went to one of the falls and boy, it was just as awesome! I couldn't get enough of the cool water. It was God's masterpiece...

We had some huddling as night unfolded. Manong Berto, the native tenant joined us. It was really nice to set foot on it again. I loved it. There were inevitable changes. The huts we stayed on when I was a teenager yet disappeared. Only one remained. Among other things, the place is pretty much the same...

Fast forward.

I wanna go back to this place six years after and see for myself again God's never-changing greatness!

WORKIN' LIKE A DOG

2009-04-02T15:31:00.005+08:00

I haven't noticed I've been working like a dog until recently. It's hard juggling studies and work at the same time. It becomes draining! You work, you study, you study and then you work again...It's a boring cycle!

However, when I look around, I found out that I am better off that way! Whining becomes irrelevant and misplaced.

When I see people my age looking for jobs to no avail, I look at myself and see how fortunate I am to have been working and studying. My time will come. Though I've been scrimping on my early 20's, I did survive. I know I'd have to add more patience and persistence should I want myself successful someday.

DITCHIN' ME

2009-03-30T12:08:00.002+08:00

I wept when my folks left me in the classroom during first grade!

It was a cry of fright and freedom combined. I knew that it was just a mini-cry because a few minutes passed , the sobs just flew away like a homing pigeon and my desolation was instantly replaced by thrill and exuberance.

I was thrilled because there were 40 of us in the room and I was on the eight section! I guess there were 10-12 sections then. I didn't know I was in the bottom class. All I knew was that school was fun and an extension of playtime and the teacher was cool because she's a friend of my mom's.

LEAVING.

Leaving is such a big ordeal for some of us. Way back when we were kids, it's acceptable to put up tantrums and yell at someone. But when we get ahead with years, we should accept it as part of life. No more angst. No more bitterness.

The only thing we can do is bask on some great memories.

These memories serve as stamps and remnants of ourselves with loved ones and friends.

ADVISORY

2009-03-27T22:43:00.007+08:00

Edgar Allan Poe, the drunkard poet, was a god.

Beer.
Vodka.
Rhum.
Whiskey.
Jungle wine.

BITS:

I had my first sip of beer when I was 15. I know you'd say it's late. But it was just a sip! No lip-lock there. Haha.

At 16, I had a few. My senior high classmates were such a tease to notice me not drinking. And so I joined their pack. I had few drinking sessions, like thrice, the last biggie was when I graduated leading them.

When I went into college, the real deal began. The drinking sessions were like party-animal thingy. Call me a beer-loader. I won't get irate one bit. Hehe.

Anyway, 20'sh came like fall. I wandered for some years. I was directionless, pathetic, angered, confused, bickered.

And deliberately, the unquenchable thirst dissipated. It was high time. I wouldn't let this good thing slip off. Occasional drinking works but I guess I'm getting to a point where drinking feels like same-old-same. Nothing new to look forward to. Just same old blabber, same bs, same waste of time.

UPDATE:

I kissed Ale goodbye!

THAT SMELL

2009-03-25T23:27:00.002+08:00

I guess we all have this moment.

You are in one place and all of a sudden a smell churns your mind in a crazy spin!

Your brain cells are calculating when and where have you encountered that familiar smell.

Suddenly, you come to the details. Something from the past. An event. A place. A person.

Sometimes I think it would be cooler if we could smell some from the future!

R & R

2009-03-24T21:19:00.006+08:00

If you were following my quest for that elusive sleep, well I got lucky yesterday!

After some busy times in school, I went home so jaded. So I hit the sofa and got some zzzzs.

It was a deep slumber! I remember I was just sitting in the living room with my niece and all of a sudden I fell asleep.

I knew it was well-deserved. I woke up with a pretty hectic day. It was 8:10 AM. My phone was strafed with messages the night before. 20 messages!

My buddies were on a keg party and I missed it. Thankfully. Hehe. And a message from our officer's assistant. It said I need to be an early bird. 7:30. I could only manage an uh-oh..

The CHED people will be kicking our asses again or will it be us kicking theirs? Hehe. I knew it'd be another meticulously tiresome boring day. And so I went through that 3-minute quickie shower, packed my stuffs and sped up through school. Boardroom, the admin said.

It was a cardio exercise. That 3rd floor run was good! Badly good! I arrived and chilled out for a bit with my colleagues. The CHED guys showed up 30 minutes later. All were in. The college prexy did some intro, they did the same. We were there waiting for them to kill us with their suggestion list. Documents were looked into. Facilities were inspected. Tiniest details were made bigger.

It was past 12 when the discussion ended. I was hankering for a biggie lunch! On diet no more! I devoured more than my tummy could hold. Haha. I wasn't really used to eating past my sched time and unfortunately this day was one of those moments.

I know you'd think I'm a whiner, but shouldn't I deserve some R&R?

Answer is a big NO, I shouldn't!

No relaxing for now, man.

To get lax is to sin.

SLEEPLESS

2009-03-23T11:16:00.004+08:00

Call me Mister Droopy! I don't mind.

I've been wide awake since last night. I thought I'd pass out after exhausting myself to think and rethink. I was wrong. I was on my laptop tinkering on this blog, searching for nicely-humored thoughts and I did find some very interesting sites. Until I realized that I was the only one in the living room. The clock's hand was in the holiest hour at 3AM.

Holy cow!

Insomnia is slowly engulfing me once again. Wtf. I had some two-hour sleep mid-afternoon yesterday. That might be the reason why counting sheep had lost its solving power on my sleep disorder.

Anyway, I could still work and think straight today. Thank goodness! Yawns were pervasive but mind over body tactic still ruled.

I have a lot in my to-do list right now and I hope I'd finish them before hitting bed feels like the only thing worth doing in this world! Ugh!

LOOKING FORWARD

2009-03-22T21:51:00.004+08:00

I've been in the academe for three years now and it's been a great experience!

When I started working for a community college here, I was thinking this would just be a phase, a breather. Sooner or later, I'd look for a job that pays well enough to take care of my wants but there were things to prioritize and hold on, so I stayed for another year and another.

I feel stuck now. It's this feeling that I need to find myself another place where I could make use of what I have, of the potentials I possess. My honcho once said, it's good to be in a small pond. I believed it way back but right now so many things had changed and to continue thriving in a small area isn't likely what I see of myself doing for another year.

Yes, I grew up in the academe and I am continue growing. But when growth is hindered by space and people, you sure have the option to look for a greener pasture, and move on.

I am getting there, and I couldn't be any happier...

KING OF THE WORLD

2009-03-20T23:03:00.001+08:00

My American English studes did their final exam presentation a day ago.

I had a lot of fun. I laughed my heart out. I was awed. I was just utterly proud!

Though there were still a lot of improvements to work on, the confidence was just colossally impressive. Some were natural humorist and so adept in sweeping the audience to great laughters. Others were so relaxed.

Having watched them did their thing, it made me feel king of the world in a moment.

Go the distance guys. You all rock!=)

AND HIS NAME IS DRHEIGZ

2009-03-18T17:38:00.000+08:00

I got a new nephew.

His folks went to get him
They were drowned with joy
The kid's an angel
They hugged him.

The little soul gave in
He's well loved
First meeting
First love.

Then and away
His pop and mom carried him
They were glad
They're home-bound.

Enwrapped with joy
The baby slept
Onwards, a ghastly event
The vehicle tripped...

Mom shrieked
Pop was angered
But the baby was okay
A kicking miracle!

The little soul
Of formidable spirit
Tender, tiny love
Alive and strong.

Yes...I got a nephew.
And his name is DRHEIGZ ANGELO.=)

ZAMBO WISHES

2009-03-15T20:25:00.000+08:00

The last time I wished like a kid was when I got the chance to see Fort Pilar (Fort Pilar: This was the Spanish garrison that served as the territory's protection from local pirates. Today, it serves as a shrine to Our Lady of the Pillar. There are relics here from Spanish antiquity reflecting the life back in those days.).

My companions and I sneaked out of our room to see Zambo at night. We stayed in a university mini-hotel there. The bus travel was draining so we needed some respite. We decided to stroll and wound up passing the Shrine to Our Lady of Pilar. We went inside.

The place was just sacred. I am no devout Catholic but when I stepped into the place, there was just this awesome feeling of contentment and peace. It was like oasis! Then there were people on wishing wells and candle lighting area.

The three of us bought colored candles. I know you'd think we were stupid but take heart, when you see all these folks coming in like fountain spring bringing these colored waxes, you'd say FAITH in the place was overwhelming enough to kill contemporary probs.

I have a pic of the candles I lit in the Shrine. The wishes I told bordered on family, career, love, health, and relationship.

Believe me I guess the place was worth the visit.

When you put faith in what you say, like a kid wanting desperately for a candy, wishes surely do come true.

I guess I came across God and his minions during the visit...

A BEGINNING

2009-03-14T13:49:00.001+08:00

When the year started I felt I would have to bring on another clean slate. The same old resolutions came resurfacing and the thought of abiding by these hard-fast rules seemed more a struggle than life-saving.

I went back to the same old "garbage" that I was last year. Three months later, I craved badly for a healthy life. It's a long journey to that but I guess starting off right is the only key.

I'm on my way to being sober and free from people who annoy the hell out of me.

I'm crossing my fingers...

ATTENTION DEFICIT

2009-03-13T18:25:00.001+08:00

She showed me a ring and said it came from his hubby.

I was glad for her.

Yet after some time, she recanted what she said.

Unbelievable!

I didn't know someone would pull off such gimmick....

HEARTY FACTS

2009-03-11T14:49:00.000+08:00

Lend me your ears.

Now take a close look at my HEART.

At 21, I was diagnosed hypertensive! It was a discovery that left me frustrated and bereaved with only a handful of good jobs. It propelled me to dizzying heights of lost idealism and boredom. Life ain't good!

I didn't acknowledge the disease. I thought all these medical equipments do were to lie to people, to me.

I trudged life. I charted to some far place but home took me back. I got stuck for three years. They were good and not-so-good years combined. But above all these, it taught me lessons. The years paved way for me to realize life and its value.

I went back to a cardiologist again and had my chest opened figuratively.

I had the 2D echo result with me. I searched the medical terms from the paper and I was just startled.

My hypertension is no joke. I should have taken meds aggressively when I discovered I had it. I was lost for a while and thought everything is in place still. At 25, I know I could conquer things. I could stump at it. I am bigger than this disease.

Hearty facts:

I will beat this disease.

I will achieve my dreams.

I will help people.

COLD SUMMER NIGHTS

2009-03-09T17:20:00.000+08:00

Summer is definitely around the corner. I am sensing everybody's excitement.

Well for now, what makes me feel the month is ending is the fact that my buddies in this place are gonna graduate soon.

I sure am that their grad celeb will be a blast. It's been two years and the thought of them leaving me is affecting me heavily again. Sigh.

I had a lot of great times with these people and even though our getaways usually bordered on chugging up beers, I know during these moments I felt like I was on a therapy. It was a journey that took me more than a thousand six-packs to realize that it's time to love life again and start to bear the burden, and lighten up.

Meanwhile, the news of Francis M's demise has brought this nation to deep mourning. 'Talk about Cold Summer Nights. Sometimes the coming of these nights is saddening but I always come to terms and think back of how summer nights could rejuvenate our souls once again.

I'm definitely looking forward to some great summer...

Bring in the waves, bud!

ANACONDA TICKS

2009-03-06T00:52:00.001+08:00

I'm amazed by reptiles, snakes to be specific, which is why I have always loved to stay glued to Animal Planet.

I was busy following the trail of Jeff Corwin's quest for the hugest anaconda found in Llanos, Venezuela a while back. I was just blown away by such spectacular vid about finding back this massive monster lurking in the marshes.

And then I found a very interesting scoop!

I didn't know there were anaconda ticks! It was an info that kept my mind awake the whole time. It was a strange fact for me. I didn't know ticks could thrive in an anaconda's snout. I thought these disgusting things only manage to live on dogs.

Anyway, it was an informative morning. I readied myself for work, and thought back to how an anaconda, with such formidable figure, get to be sucked out of blood still by ticks.

It really is weird for me. Just as anaconda ticks live, some of us live to tick other people off.

New info. New scoop.

I call them human ticks. They're around us. And it's a pity we couldn't make out who are and who are not.

Hangin' Loose With Some Emo

2009-03-04T17:27:00.001+08:00

I haven't had the chance to talk with a recluse person for a while. I have been surrounded mostly with people who talk more than listen, who relay message more than what is required. It becomes nauseating having these people around. And so I decided to take a break and be resonant with the earth. Haha.

I couldn't be happier. Some emo just splayed why he dresses up the way I see him all dressed up. It was a mild melodramatic talk lingering on life and experience.

I had a great time. It was nice to finally understand a pixel of the emo picture.=)

Gone With The Wind

2009-03-04T00:33:00.001+08:00

Tonight I rest my anger and bitterness to the wind. I had myself pained loathing people.

I leave their say to the wind. I cast my ill feelings to its supreme strength that these may be unleashed to the deepest of a jungle.

I had some best memories though I trusted blindly.

They don't know me.

I am closing the single leaf of this chapter with these people. For my strength. For my healing.

It's closed. Gone with the wind...

LOST INSIDE OF MY HEAD

2009-03-02T16:27:00.000+08:00

I let my studes do some sort of a descriptive vid last week. It was timely because I was out of work, attending some required seminar. I went back this week and met them hours ago.

We were all so giddy to check their output. We had some film showing going on a while back. It was classic. The vids were superb. Albeit some human errors evident on their stuff, I found it praiseworthy.

In return, I let them take a peek on my vid about my buddies and I. I ran down some poignant lessons I knew they had to consider and they took it cooly. It was nice seeing these souls looking back at you with intense seriousness. I knew that they were listening and the words I muster were sinking in.

I felt lost inside of my head. Positively. I knew I was risking some credibility there when I splayed my high-strung lifebit to them. I had to cause I knew how strong experience could impact a person. They need some mirroring, and I knew I had to make them feel that life is not about regretting. It's appreciating how all these interrelated bits make up a whole good picture.

Generally, it felt good to see that these studes get the nuance of my teachings. I knew I got lost inside of my head...to the hundredth power...

Manic Saturday

2009-03-01T08:10:00.000+08:00

I was feeling really low yesterday. It was raining and the wind was damp. I was having the greatest urge to gulp. I knew I had to give in.

So I drank like a fish with this homie, sang like frenzy and ranted a whole lot.

It started at 2 and ended past 10. I puked gushingly on my way home. It was somewhat deathly for me. I hadn't had the feeling of barfing the stuff in one's tummy. It was gross realizing that as time went by, this yellowish acidic tasting watery stuff couldn't hold on to come out of my mouth.

But thankfully still, we all went home safe. I hit bed like a baby, woke up so starved, cooked some goodie and ate like a famished kid.

Yesterday was manic...but it was all worth the while.

WILD HOPE

2009-02-27T17:18:00.001+08:00

The last time I hope was a delusional bleak.

I hoped for a dream. The dream got away. Swift as a starved stork.

I chased the reasons. The reasons hid indefinitely. Hope dwindled.

Hopelessly wild. Wildly hopeful.

I chased. I fumbled. I stayed.

It was all a delusional bleak.

I'm Fine But I'm Not Okay

2009-02-26T14:00:00.000+08:00

I feel out of place for being mean and hurting people who don't deserve this unjustified indifference. I hate it when I turn myself into this self-indulgent egotistical person. I wonder why.

Sometimes when people don't get to understand my moods, I usually just seethe with anger and frustration. Some friends leave. Some acquaintances stay. It is hard to decipher the things going on in me. It becomes so much harder when the only person I can turn to is MYSELF.

I'd say I am fine but I'm really not okay. There are moments when I just want to disappear for a time and just go back to some old time warp and be back refreshed and anew. These things, these seemingly hard to understand things have enwrapped my positives. It's like the whole dark sides of this world have been slowly sucking out the good things in me.

I know it is all Greek to some. Writing this means Greeker I should say. But I guess I need to do this to dispel my bad nuances in me...

YOU TRY TO MAKE ME SMILE

2009-02-26T00:01:00.000+08:00

I wonder if telling someone the words above means misplaced and inappropriate. I hope reconsideration would come easily should my telling is long overdue.=) But take heart. When I say you try to make me smile, you have done something massive. I don't mean to sound so greedy with gracious words but semantics out of the way, the phrase You try to make me smile is big!

You try to make me smile. It's your best. It's what you do best. I appreciate it and right now I plan to do the same. I want to hear days from now that I try to make you smile as well...